Rule Number One of Life: You can only truly ever control you.
How are you?! I love this question. I ask myself this daily…multiple times a day sometimes. Please start this habit now..right now! BE HONEST… if you do not read any further than this even… check in with you daily. Give yourself what you need. You are the key.
And now I go into my backstory… hang on..it will be brief…followed by my highly effective tips…or if you MUST skip onward… the heading will make it clear the backstory is over…
And now….we begin.
When I started my mental health journey, this was a question that was new to me. “How am I?” I really didnt know how I was. I was always so worried about how others were. I didnt even care how I felt. I knew I was not great. What others were thinking and feeling just always came first. I just kept pressing for the “brightside”. So I often found myself stressed out, overworked, underpayed, pissed off and let down in general. And it started to explode…one day I had enough. I was so sick. My body was literally fatigued and stressed most days. I had countless doctor bills for all my colds that turned to infections…and so many other issues. I am still in my journey too. But constantly learning.
Sure, I worked out. I ate right mostly. But my heart and head were not on the same page. I was working multiple jobs (involving kids) and still writing and trying to run social media for this page. All while trying to save my marriage and be the perfect mother. I was keeping up with school events and volunteering for all my kids programs and schools.
I mean why…. I knew better than this too.WHY?!! Because I didnt care enough to ask myself “how are you….” When someone wanted more…I gave it. When there was a problem, I got help for it. Every event, I planned it. I mean.. just everything…. not to mention daily life of cooking, cleaning, self care, homework and so on. I remember being so sick and telling a boss I was at doctor and they still wanted my help..for someone else’s shift…. And I went…ended up having walking pneumonia eventually. I dealt with it for months. Guess what? Still got fired by that boss. For not wanting to come in more. This is why I preach this. Not just this reason but one of many examples…. How many of us give and give and give to people who just take and still talk badly about us? YOU will end up being the one upset. You will suffer. Not them.
Life will always have tasks to be done too. The point should be how we are handling it. Do you let things just pile and pile before dreading any tasks? Do you relate to me? Constantly trying to do “all the things” to perfection? Know your personality type and find grace for it. I had to realize just this past week how I had not followed my own advice. I was not sleeping and very stressed trying to get back into routine after a massive break. It didnt go smoothly with all family members and I ended up being the one upset. I tried to control everyones emotions so much that I forgot about my own. So yes…very important to know yourself and keep up on it.
How To Handle How YOU Are
- Grace– God designed you perfectly. Journal and see what your personality style is and what triggers your stress. You are perfect in his image. You do not need to change. Just find out what you truly like and dont right now. Write down what makes you happy too! Example: I know I like a clean home and easy health food…so I dont own tons of stuff and keep meals simple and yummy. Everyone is different though! So journal and do some writing prompts to see what your true likes and dislikes are.
- Conquer– No matter your personality type…make life more simple. Get rid of all the clutter. Schedule yourself for less..etc etc….This way when a task is truly needing done, it will be simple to do. You will have more quiet time for yourself without the burden of 1000 tasks not done yet. You will enjoy helping others even!
- Research– If you feel unhappy and have journaled what your triggers are, research it! So many others are out there struggling with the same issues. Google it. Go to the library. Find local groups or even just instagram accounts. Some of my saviors are internet warriors that I have never met. And if you are feeling great, cherish it and savor it. Enjoy it with others.
- Do something for you– Some days you will be great. Some days, some of us will not be. Some of us have major struggles, while others are very minor. Show love to everyone and that includes you. If you need a day to do nothing, do not do anything. Laundry will always be there tomorrow. You do not need to crush your workout if you are tired. Feel me? If you ARE riding the high vibrations waves, go feel it! Spend extra time at the park or eating great food or getting dressed up at home… just to read outside looking fabulous. But if your vibes are low or you are angry and things are bad….that is okay too. Rest Child. You are not alone.We have all been there. Nuture your soul by doing something comforting. Text a family member. Watch a favorite movie with a good pizza…You will find what makes you feel warm and cozy during your journaling I mentioned in the beginning.
- Last but not least..learn to say no- Tell them no, honey!! We are absolutely allowed to have boundaries. 1000000% allowed. I am not saying to be a jerk. But.. you will end up being a total jerk if you do not have boundaries. Trust me. All my upsets and meltdowns have stemmed from overextending myself or letting others walk all over me.So say no if you need to. If you cant be superstar mom in that moment..let them know you need a break first. Encourage others to join your quiet break even.Compromise if needed. & You do not have to go to anything where others are not treating you right. You do not have to work someone elses shift if it interupts something important. Your kids/family/partners and so on.. willl still love you if you needed to take time to yourself to heal. And if they fire you or drop you. etc..they were never really meant for you. Because the relationship was there conditionally. They used you as a supply and when you took that away…they had nothing to gain. Be free, butterfly.
There you have it..
My five favorite ways to check in with myself. The biggest thing I want to add is.. DO NOT BE ASHAMED!!
Do not be embarassed. Don’t. You better not!! Do not even do that to yourself. You CAN control how you feel. But that is all, my friend. That is it. Rule number one to life…I will say it again…you can only control how you feel and react. I will never forget a scene playing out one night at an event. It left a young woman crying in the bathroom. Lord, I was embarrassed for everyone but her. BUT, when I came to her, she said ” I am just so embarrassed”. Whaaaaaaaat?! Damn, that hit me so hard. Someone else treated her badly and acted a damn fool and made everything super weird …but still.. she was the one embarrassed. The other had no shame. NO remorse. Even played the “it is her card”.
That is when I saw how I reacted in my pain too. How many times have I have hid and cried and felt shame? FOR DOING NOTHING WRONG?!!!!!
Wow. Just wow. I saw in that moment how embarrassed I had been for other people’s actions. And how I had let their shame wash over me. Too scared to admit I was not well or happy. Too ashamed to say things are not good. Some people even wanted me to feel shame! UGH. WE have to protect ourselves from energy vampires.
I made a vow to not feel shame anymore. It creeps in and is natural. But I greet it. I acknowledge where it comes from and do my best to let it go..once I have it figured out. If I am the culprit of it.. I work on it. I know it will not be the last time I fail either. That is life. If the shame is coming from another person, then out with it. That speaks volumes about that person. NOT YOU. I am not embarrassed anymore when someone else hurts me. I may still be hurt. But not embarrassed. I will not hide. I will not wear shame from anyone. This is a practice that will always need to be practiced. Our lives will be filled with ups and downs. It is our job to greet the emotions and not let them define us. Let the light back in and heal. Keep practicing that forever. Be you unapologetically.
Protect your energy and soul at all costs. What is meant to be will be. And that is okay. Also, the amounts of times I envisioned Joe Goldberg …while writing this piece… is disturbing. IYKYK..